Some time ago I read a writing that was about how a girl had someone that she cared about take their life. It was a most humbling read because it was rather simple and happy yet, back in the underwritings you saw how much was outside of her control. This moved me and I felt a certain desire to reach out and connect with her.

Pepsi (name changed for anonymity),

Who decides how we get to influence those around us? This question defines the helplessness that one can feel when they meet a wall and want to assist someone but find their energies funnel into a void. The void is an object that has no immediate affect on the person that has it, but it works like a black hole for all of the light that circles around the one needing it. It would seem that the moth in this case, draws the light to it instead of seeking out the candle or the light, the candle throws its light towards our friend the moth. The luminescence of the room even convenes and collects, correcting the actions and methods of the moth.

Many are the candles for each moth, for even if the moth thinks there is no one seeing it because it can’t see itself or whatever other blinder our friend the moth has fuzzed over to be more happy with it’s environment there are many that continually throw their radiance towards the moth. Generally a moth or any other moving object can really only be controlled by one main force at a time. A planet is generally controlled by one major sun that it orbits around… it would be a rather un-natural orbit if say there were two suns that a planet were to circle around.

In this, the moth has to want to take in the light’s energy. If for some reason they are looking elsewhere or aren’t absorbing what is shinning all around them, then who made it so they weren’t observing? This would be the moth’s responsibility. If the moth can’t desire help, it the moth further, thinks there is nothing wrong with its current course, then you will see it continually vier off course. The course that is being vier off would be the one that could be most beneficial to the helpless. No one is truly helpless there are just different levels of correct power that an individual will posses. They share this light, this energy with those around them and it important that they do not burn themselves out by shining it as well as that they don’t burn so bright, they are not able to see other lights around them.

I knew a moth that was a rare find. She had all of the decorations of the loving respectful princess. She spread her wings to those around her and encouraged people to fly on the currents that she found. She was good at finding them too. Constantly with the helpful mind, yet not too strong that she couldn’t be helped. This was how it was when I first saw this beauty.

As we flew on together, wings flapping and fluttering in love and happiness we both ran into our own walls, our own lessons to grow from. The greatest thing about this process is that we encouraged each other to continue afterwards. We recommended a course to assist with the future development, we desired to see the other move in ways that assisted themselves. This is what makes the snuffing out of this one so hard to believe and even harder to understand. There was no way that I couldn’t believe it happened. At the funeral with all of our friends, family members crying and holding each other with caring sobbing arms you knew this wasn’t something you could ignore, you couldn’t convince yourself that this hadn’t happen. It would be nice if you could imagine it, it would be heaven if you could actually say with certainty that the horrid news that you had been informed of, was not true. Friends that just barely knew and others that knew very well the intimacy that we experienced with each other were there to give their support. Still I wished that I would have never gotten that call at 3 am in April. Wishing won’t change what has transpired… that I’ve learned. Also in the very important lessons of life, I’ve come to know that you can’t help those that don’t accept the help. Each must help themselves before they can help someone else. If you don’t have the power to change yourself, then you don’t have the power to affect someone else in a way other than how they will learn from you.

One of the most painful things about this is that it was a few months before this moth was snuffed out, she fluttered down to Columbia and got me a card, got me flowers and thanked me for a simple little computer thing I had helped out with. When I think about how she had reached out to me after I had closed a rather hard door on her I hate myself for my actions. It started a long time ago. Running down the street, my parents had gotten divorced some three or four years ago. I am only in high school and know a couple of the girls down the street and they were playing some basketball. There is another girl with them this time, a rather cute girl with aqua, blue, eye liner. Add in the blond hair, cute expressions, and introverted/extroverted persona and you have quite a sweet moth / flame that I wanted to fly towards at great speeds. All the same, I had only hung out with her, Amanda, for a short time and it wasn’t until I was back from going to Kansas City, living in the rave dance culture, experiencing mind blowing journeys through subconscious through and life, and learning a few things about taking care of yourself and others that I meet her again in downtown Columbia. What was interesting is that I barely knew it was her, and she recognized me and asked if I was Jim, the guy that lived up the street from Kim and Amy. Yes I answer as I finally realize where I know this beautiful face from. We exchanged numbers right then and there and started chatting on aim that night.

Ah, America Online never knew they were the ability for two lovers to meet like that, but the interwebs were only too happy to allow our mutual interest to blossom. It was only a few nights later that we hung out together, watch Hackers if I remember right and then a couple nights after that I took her and Kim (different Kim from before… this one is for better or worse definitions, her sister, and a great one at that) out to Applebee’s for dinner. I had picked out this great new Kenneth Cole sweater which I wore and still save for only some of the best occasions to wear out. Soon our romance was in full swing and we were experiencing the pleasures and bumps from any new relationship. All the same, we were smitten with ourselves. She helped me learn a thing or two about keeping work at work and home at home. Bringing home the days frustrations to the one that you want to harmonize in joy with tends to break down the happiness that could otherwise be felt. Such a simple thing would be no big deal otherwise, but for me, this was something that I hadn’t learned yet and thankfully she was there and willing to teach me instead of throwing me out of her heart. This woman in a young woman’s figure, to be honest she was about 18 when we started dating, yet she had the mentality of someone that was 23 at times. All the same, she had the youthful zeal that someone that won’t fully grow up keeps at their side. This childlike energy is a beautiful thing for it allows many to overcome huge obstacles because the adult view only sees what it knows, the child is ready to discern that which it doesn’t know and enjoy that which it does.

We almost won the costume contest at the Booty Halloween party in STL. We were second place with the guy from Fear and Loathing in Los Vegas winning – he had the part down to a science… completely acting the part. We both helped a number of friends through their own troubles and tried to help a few friends that didn’t want it and as it might’ve turned out today, didn’t need it. Since I was quite adept at the computer stuffs, Mandie picked up on what I knew and grew with it. She turned into quite the gamer and from what I know, was a fearsome opponent in Halo, WoW, and Quake (she could give me a run and thats saying something). We survived each of us slipping up on our monogamy and stayed together.

We actually broke up twice, and then got engaged. Why did I ever let her go? If you release the bird and it flies back, is it not a better bird? The engagement lasted for quite a few months and she got herself a nice job in the mall at a store that really fit her style very well and I continued to work at Socket Internet and continued to live with my Dad. Mandie lived with her Mom and we were both rather happy about the whole thing. Eventually though, I noticed a slight change in her responsiveness to me. How much she reached out to me. Unfortunately I knew what this would mean and that I should let her pursue herself as that is where her mind is. If I were to hold her in and keep her where she was, it would just get stagnant and she would want to later break free. It is not loving to hold someone back unless they are going to hurt themselves. That statement might have more truth than even I know, but as I also know, the past is something that has happened, I can’t go back and change it.

For lessons to be learned from any experience is to achieve a consciousness that many don’t comprehend. It is vital that anyone attempt to take something away from the experience other than remorse and regret. Those feelings do not allow forward movement. Those emotions bottle up and destroy the host. For me to take something away, I suppose I should simply be calling and communicating with my friends more. Stay in touch, more. I do this already but as it happens, I don’t really run after my friends to stay in contact with them as they tend to orbit around me to a degree. I might have to change my orbit a bit to realign with any of them, but it is a pretty easy thing really. Especially since none of the orbits are a bond-relationship orbit. Brothers and sisters I have now, not a mate. While I am on the discovery path to find my female counterpart, I will let that one be drawn to me like the moth to the flame. If it is meant to be, then I will be to her like a moth flying to her flame.

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